My Journey

I certainly have not been a reliable blogger throughout this twin pregnancy. I've had many people ask me, "when will you blog again?" or "we want to see some pictures!" Pictures will come, before the babies do, I promise, but this entry is more of me opening my heart to share my thoughts with whoever is interested.

I feel like I've been on one of the most amazing journeys of my life throughout the past 8 1/2 months (35 weeks). It has been trying both physically and emotionally - like any pregnancy I'm sure - but for me because of the twin factor it has been more so.

I'll begin with how I felt about getting pregnant again in the first place. I am not one of those women who loves being pregnant. I actually think it's really hard and for months and months after having Juniper I never wanted to do it again (this was in part to a traumatic labor that lasted 72 hours). I got an IUD after having Juni because I DID NOT want an unplanned pregnancy to occur. I wanted to make sure I was ready and willing before I went through what I went through with her. Plus I nursed her for so long that I was insistent that I was not going to be pregnant and nursing a toddler. I was going to have some time where my body was free for a little while. Needless to say, this was a strain on my marriage. My precious husband loves babies and would have 5 if I would let him. Seriously. He would LOVE it!!! He was ready to have another one right after Juniper was born. He also wanted a boy. Desperately. My fears of getting pregnant with another girl and then knowing I would never want to do it again worried me to no end.

Once I weaned Juniper I got my IUD out and felt ready to start trying for another baby. We tried for about 2-3 months and then I was pregnant again. Nate and I were both filled with joy. . . . until my morning sickness set in. It was SO debilitating. Taking care of Juniper combined with the sickness was the hardest thing I had ever done. I thought I was going to lose my marbles and I think Nate thought I had lost them!!! I had not been good about keeping track of my periods so my OB sent me in for an early ultrasound in order for an accurate due date to be determined. This was the ultrasound that changed our lives. Forever. This is when we found out we were having twins. I of course felt SO validated because of how sick I was. I felt like I wasn't crazy and that there was definitely a reason for how sick I had been. I think Nate felt reassured knowing that I was dealing with two times the pregnancy hormones and that maybe, just maybe I wasn't going crazy either. It's amazing how much the news of twins brought Nathan and I together. It felt like divine intervention. Nate reassured me that he would be okay if this was my last pregnancy - even if there were two girls. I think he knew this would definitely without a doubt be the last time I'd go through this! He was given the gift of more than two children and I was given the gift of being able to get three children out of only two pregnancies! Once we discovered the sexes of our babies I felt like my life had finally come together. When we got the news that there was a boy and a girl I felt amazing!!! I was so happy that Nathan was going to get his boy and I felt overjoyed knowing this would be without question my last pregnancy ever. I feel like there was a guardian angel making sure that we would both be content at the end of this.

Although I felt so comforted knowing this was my last pregnancy and that we were having a boy and a girl there have been many days and nights spent thinking about the delivery of these babies. I have carried a heavy heart for years after the birth of Juniper. . . truly feeling like I was traumatized during her labor. I also felt like Nathan was traumatized. He told me when I was about 23 weeks along that he didn't know if he could even handle being at the delivery of these babies. I didn't get mad at him for his feelings at all. . . I had to take a hard look at how these twins could come into the world with both of us feeling at peace. Although I had been insistent with my OB that I was going to deliver these babies vaginally, I had a change of heart about a month ago. I met with a doula at the hospital where I am scheduled to deliver. Just walking into the birthing center I felt my body begin to tense up. I felt like I was going to cry and never stop. I feared all the worst things that could happen to me if I tried to deliver these babies vaginally. I also feared the recovery if I were to choose a cesarean. The doula listened to my birth story about Juniper. She and I made a list of pros and cons for vaginal and cesarean deliveries. After a long discussion with this very experienced doula I was reassured that a cesarean can still be beautiful (she also made the point that there is such thing as emotional recovery too). I still made these babies. I am not a failure if I have a cesarean. My babies will be healthy, my heart will be filled with joy, my husband will come out unscathed and I won't have a nervous breakdown in the process of bringing them into the world. In the end we will have two beautiful babies to bring home. Although responses about my decision from some friends have been discouraging, I continue to reflect on why I've chosen to have a cesarean. I feel I've made the right decision - and I feel much more compassion toward women who have had cesareans due to emergencies or because they felt more comfortable with the choice. I feel so happy that I know when my babies are coming and that I am so close to being through with this pregnancy. I feel that with this decision has come some closure and emotional recovery about the birth of Juniper as well.

I am 35 weeks along today. I huff and puff around the house as little tasks become more and more difficult. My back and body aches, but I feel so blessed. This pregnancy has had no complications whatsoever. I am filled with joy knowing that these precious babies are almost here. I am filled with joy that once these babies are here our family is complete. I can't wait to meet them. I can't wait to see Nate with them. I can't wait to see Juniper as a big sister.

The 40 week due date for these babies is June 12. 38 weeks is considered full term for twins. Their birthday is scheduled for June 1st. I truly think I will make it to that date. I continue to go to the store, take Juniper to preschool and try to live as normal of a life as possible at this point. Knowing that these babies will be here in a little over 3 weeks is SO EXCITING!!!!

When they come out this journey will end. . . . . and we will begin a new and exciting journey. Being the parents of twins.


Sarah said...

Oh, dear Sister, this post brings tears to my eyes. It has been such a life-changing experience, I am sure, to be pregnant with twins!! These babies are both meant to be in your family...this I am sure of.

And you are a strong, powerful, capable, woman who is making a good choice for your birth experience. I truly believe it's the best choice for the situation. After my own experience with infertility it has made me look at birth differently...it doesn't matter how the babies get out. All that matters is that they do get out and that they're okay.

I hope you receive some pampering on this Mother's Day and your birthday weekend. You and your big belly deserve it!


Marika said...

Thanks for sharing, Hillary! I will be thinking about you a lot as you make it through the final weeks of your pregnancy. I'm so excited for your family!

Twins said...

I am so proud of you Hill. You are an inspiring mother and I love how you are really owning this pregnancy and birth. You are such a strong and amazing woman. I can't wait to meet the little ones and I think of you all every day. Love You and Belly and Family!

Lora said...

You are amazing Hillary!!!

I can't believe you are still up and around with just weeks to go with both of those babies inside of you!

I had a good c-section experience with Joseph. I was awake, Dave was with me, and we both saw him as soon as he was out.

Anonymous said...

I am a friend of Marika's and I just had a baby last month. I didn't have bad deliveries, but I did have some rugged pregnancies. I know what it's like to be happy about the gift God is giving you, but miserable during the process. Good luck these last few weeks. In the end, it is all worth it!

heather jane said...

Wow. That's really all I can think to say right now. I'm covered in chills and teary eyed as I think about you and your sweet family on this amazing journey/adventure. Please know that even if a few are not supportive of your decisions about the birth...90% of us are backing you 100%. You are the mama. You know what needs to happen. Trust that. The rest will follow.

I'm so excited to hear more, and I thank you for sharing your story. I loved reading it and knowing more about you.

We're thinking of you and praying for a safe and magical day.

Much love, Heather

Blackwood Family said...

How we have our babies is an intensely personal choice between a mother and a father. We women share our birth stories so freely I think sometimes we forget how we choose to bring our children into the world is a personal decision like so many others we make in our lifetimes. You are a well grounded wonderful person who has nothing but your babies best interest at heart and you will make good decisions regarding the care of your children in the years to come as you are now. Have faith in what you and Nate feel and confidence in your abilities to start now making the tough decisions on behalf of your family.

ForresterMom said...

Hllary, I just popped in here. What a beautiful, heartfelt story you told! And like others have said, the most important thing is that your babies are born safely. I honestly believe that it's not the physical way the are born but the emotional way. It sould be a wonderful, happy, amazing experience. However it happened I hope you enjoy your little miracles!